


Letters to nowhere

by ProxyWars



Category: Star Wars: Thrawn Series - Timothy Zahn (2017)
Genre: After Treason, Angst, Long Distance Relationship, Love Letters, M/M, Mentions of atrocities.war crimes, POV Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo, Pining, Thrawn's new diary, Writting letters that will never be read, dear diary, no.really. ANGST
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 18:14:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23851411
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ProxyWars/pseuds/ProxyWars
Summary: A collection of little one shot diary entries from Thrawn and Eli about their inner processing of the shit that goes down with their relationship.
Relationships: Thrawn | Mitth'raw'nuruodo/Eli Vanto
Comments: 14
Kudos: 31





	Letters to nowhere

**Author's Note:**

> TW: Mention of torture.
> 
> It's been ages since i've been able to write. Thank you!! to everyone posting in the Thranto tag, ya'll have sustained me through my bad brain.

He was alone in his quarters.

It still felt quiet without Eli there with him. He missed just hearing the sound of his steady breathing as Eli slept while Thrawn worked a few more hours before he would pour himself into bed beside his lover.

Bed.

He needed _sleep._

Thrawn checked his reflection in the 'fresher mirror. He looked utterly ragged and miserable. He swiftly washed the tears from his face and opened the secure locker hidden in a wall compartment of his personal quarters. 

He needed to process first.

Then, _then_ he would sleep.

Taking out his new(ish) diary, he chronicled the latest atrocities.

_Price is torturing civilians to their deaths for information on the rebel cell regularly now. She will not listen to reason, and doesn’t seem to care how useless and self-defeating her actions are. I can no longer take part in the interrogations; it is beyond my will to participate._

_It seems you were right, E.  
I am certainly finding the other officers and politicians of the Empire lacking in basic morals.  
Though, I must say, watching Savit’s face when he was arrested would have pleased you greatly, it seems I have made far more enemies than I would have expected with that particular incident, a slight misjudgement._

_I also misjudged how difficult it would be to see you again._

_I have never felt the weight of my rank and the expectations of others upon me quite as heavily as I did in the moment I saw you._

_The two of us, caught between Admiral Ar’alani, and four death troopers._

_All the things I had planned to say and do the next time we were together, utterly impossible._

_The expectations of the Ascendancy, and the expectations of the Empire. I cannot describe to you the pressure I was under. Am still under._

_I can feel my enemies crawling slowly up my back. I know it can only be a matter of time until my warrior’s luck runs dry and one of them is finally successful in destroying me._

_I could barely stand that you had been brought back into such danger. Ar’alani did not even inform me you were coming with her aboard the Chimaera. Forgive her, she did not know you would not be welcome in the Empire again._

_I did not expect quite so much physical agony on our meeting, perhaps you were right about heart break.  
My heart has not stopped aching since. _

_To be alone with you again was almost more than I could bare.  
I wanted so badly to pull you close, to devour you until I forgot all the follies of the galaxy.  
_ _Until i forgot about the slaves, and the civilian casualties, the brutality and agony that i have participated in perpetuating throughout the galaxy for a decade.  
I ached to heal that hurt in the comfort of your kind embrace._

_  
Yet, I realised then, that it had been so long. And it would be entitled of me to assume I still had that right, that privilege._

_I am caught now, between loving you endlessly, and realising that I might have already lost you._

_I think that will be the end of me.  
If I let you go, what is left of me will contain no goodness, no glory, no joy. _

_A formless existence, churning out only death and unending war._

_I have never feared such an emptiness before.  
Such potential loss of self.  
It is not the lack of you, but the loss of you that could drive me to giving myself to total diffusion into the grinding Empire._

_If I make it home to you, things will be different. I promise._

_When I see you again, I’m going to sweep you into my arms._   
_I’m going to hold you as tightly as I can._   
_I’m going to bury my face in your throat and feel the weight of your arms around my shoulders._

_And I will never stop making up for all we have missed._

_Ch'acin't, I’m going mad here._

_I’ve spent ten years in this Empire. In the beginning there was wonder and excitement, strangeness was all around me. Yet, only now does it feel truly foreign, all from the loss of you. my dear. _

_I’m losing control, Ch’acin’t. Ch'ah ch'in'vah vah cat ch'eo ch'an'eci. I just want to hold you._

Replacing his diary in the locker, fresh tears seeping slowly through his lashes, he kicked off his boots and curled up half dressed in the empty bed.

**Author's Note:**

> *Ch'ah ch'in'vah vah cat ch'eo ch'an'eci.  
> Translation: I miss you with my soul.
> 
> brain no go. only fzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz  
> I've been struggling to get back to reading and writing since September last year when things went a bit crazy. I used to churn out 11,000 words (that were so-so) in three days, now i'm kinda fucked.  
> thank you to the writers who continue to post.


End file.
